Sunday, September 30, 2007

The way things are...

There are days when I don't mind my hearing difficulties... and there are days when I hate it with a passion. 

My hearing problem isn't mechanical.  It's not a fault in my ears, necessarily.  It's neurological, and really, there is no fix for that.  It's a glitch in my brain.  I mean, I hear just fine.  It's just that a lot of times, what I hear comes to me garbled.  

It's like this.  The Husbandly One will say something to me.  Like, "I am going to the store.  I am buying a loaf of bread.  I am buying a gallon of milk.  I am coming home."

Simple, right?

This is what I hear.  "I am going to the store.  I am buying a loaf of bread.  I am sliding in a wallow of silk.  I am coming home."


He'll repeat the entire thing to me, and I will continue to misunderstand the third sentence every time he repeats it, no matter how many times he repeats it.  What I have to do is read his lips, make him stop talking, repeat it to myself with the lip movements, and then finally understand he's telling me he's also going to buy a gallon of milk. 

I read lips a LOT.

Now, as you can imagine, this involves a great deal of frustration, for myself, and for those around me.  I repeat sentences back to people, not because I'm making fun of them, but because I'm trying to figure out what the hell they're saying.  Because I know a complete stranger didn't walk up to me and say, "Can you smell a beery sensation??"

More like, "Can you tell me the nearest gas station?"

Though the first sentence sounds a lot more fun.

Still, mostly my family and friends are very patient with me, and understanding.  They know immediately when I look like I'm about to laugh, when they didn't say anything funny, or panic, when they didn't say anything scary, that I didn't understand them, and they kindly repeat whatever they said for me, until I get it.  But sometimes... sometimes they lose patience with me, and oh, doesn't that hurt?

I can't help this glitch in my ears.  I wish I could.  I wish there was a magic bullet to cure it.  Hearing aids?  No, see, then I would just misunderstand you... LOUDER.  

Sometimes, I get so frustrated, I find a nice corner to hide in and have a good cry.  Or a bad cry.  Whatever.  Sometimes, I just... avoid everybody.  It's easier.  Sometimes, I wish everyone came with teleprompters glued to their foreheads so I could figure out what they're saying.

Want to know the real reason I don't watch tv anymore?  Do y'all have any idea how many characters speak with their backs to the cameras?  Oh, and then, there's loud music blaring over their words, so the garble gets even worse.  Subtitles are wonderful...except, you miss half the action, because you're busy reading the words at the bottom of the screen.  

I know, I'm whining.  It's just. some days are easier than others, and today is a really crummy day.  The Husbandly One lost patience with me, and when I bit my lip hard, trying not to cry, he snarled, "Oh, get over it!" at me.  He wasn't trying to be mean.  He was just... frustrated.  

And I got frustrated right back.  I had to leave the room, because I really, really didn't want to cry in front of him, and snapped, "Yes, I should get over it, because I should be used to people snapping at me because I can't understand them, right?"

No, not a good day at all.  

And I am a terribly sulky person sometimes.  After I'm over my mad, I'll come out and want to be friends again, but right now?  I'm going to pout and sulk, and just be generally unpleasant for a while.  


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