Saturday, October 10, 2015
Sometimes, I just need to... vent.
I am so tired of being... tired. I am tired of the cycles of feeling kinda okay, and then feeling like absolute crap. I am tired of not having the energy to do the things I want to do... or the things I need to do.
I am tired of watching my husband come home, exhausted from a day's work, only to have to take up my share of the workload because I can't do it.
I am tired of the headaches, the joint pain, the muscle weakness, and the overwhelming fatigue. I am tired of my hair falling out.
I am tired of wishing the rest of it would just fucking fall out already so it would stop making my head hurt.
I am tired of my fingers looking like sausages when they swell. Of the way my feet ache.
I am tired of being cold all the fucking time because my thyroid is playing dead.
I'm tired of my immune system playing helicopter parent and attacking every single part of me just because it's paranoid and thinks I'm about to get sick. Or that I'm already sick.
I'm tired of having to say no to my husband and kids when they want to go do something that requires energy that I don't have, because I really, really, really want to go swimming and hiking and climbing and having adventures... but I can't depend on my body because my thyroid is an asshole and my immune system is stupid and...
I'm just tired.
Mostly, I have good days. And I'm able to be positive and somewhat philosophical about having an autoimmune disease. I try to look at the positives and try to basically make lemonade out of the lemons life has thrown my way.
But every once in a while, it just... overwhelms me. There's so much to do. So much. Just doing a couple of loads of laundry will sometimes take me all day. I just swept the dining room and living room and it feels like I've been cleaning the entire house, re-digging the garden, replacing the roof, mowing the lawns, and jogging a marathon right afterwards.
No, seriously, if I'm going to be this tired and sore, I want to have earned it, not just... gotten up out of bed. If I'm going to hurt this bad, then I figure I should have, oh, I don't know, climbed a mountain. Or taken on four teams of Navy SEALS in a hand to hand fight and WON.
I know that in a couple of days, I'll feel better and my mood will improve. But right now? Life sucks and I just want to curl up somewhere and cry for the next two or three hours.