Okay, everybody stand up and get ready to applaud.
I took my first deep breath in over four weeks... and it didn't hurt.
Yes, yes, thank you, thanks, I'll be here all week, I'd be more than happy to do it again, yes... thank you, really, you're too kind.
Well, it is a big deal to me!!
In other news, Calcifer and Muta have an appointment with the vet on Wednesday to curb their boyish enthusiasm. In other words... they're getting FIXED! Because, they are startin' to do that thing that young male cats do when they suddenly realize... they're male.
*insert blues guitar, and a deep, gravelly black voice that sounds like it came from the bowels of the earth*
"I'm a man..."
I spell M..."
Yes, Calcifer and Muta have discovered... hormones. And their genitals. And what they can do with them. With each other.
Yes, apparently, my cats are gay.
I mean, there's Yuki, sitting there like, "Well, here I am, boys! And I can't get pregnant, either!"
They look at her, sniff, then say, "You smell funny," and promptly pounce on each other.
The Impossible Son watches this and says, "Um, Mama? I thought you said cats only did that if they were trying to make kittens..."
"Yes, yes, I did say that." And I'm scrambling around in my brain for an explanation that won't get CPS called on me when he repeats it at school.
"But... Calcifer is a boy... and Muta is a boy... and boy-cats can't have kittens..." His brow is furled in concentration and I'm flailing my brain desperately. Then..."Are they like Uncle Artist and Uncle Scientist?"
"Er... not exactly... no."
"Well, see, honey, it's more like this..."
He looks at me doubtfully, like, is this going to be another one of those amazingly technical explanations that I never understand? So, I stop myself and say, "What do you think is going on?" And brace myself.
He thinks about it, watching them, and oh, gods, do I ever want to throw a towel over them, or get the waterhose! Thanks, guys, for teaching my son about a side of biology that I haven't gotten around to explaining yet! "I think it just feels good, so that's why they're doing it. And they're doing it with each other, because Yuki still doesn't feel good after being fixed, so they're being nice to her. And they know each other, so it's okay."
"Exactly," I said, and he smiled.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. Why didn't you say so in the first place?"
"Because I wanted you to figure it out on your own," I said, crossing my fingers behind my back. Geez.
Sometimes, parents freak out when their kids present them with life questions the parents aren't ready for yet. It's not that we haven't explained that Uncle Artist and Uncle Scientist are life partners who are practically married, and live together like Mama and Papa live together, with all the getting-closer mushy stuff like Mama and Papa ("Ewwww, you're kissing! On the mouth!!), except, they're both guys, because we have. But you know, it's one thing to know it about your favorite uncles, and another to see a live, wild-kingdom version demo on the floor in your bedroom next to your teddy bear.
And yes, we have covered the het version, too, thanks to a couple of dogs who thought our front yard would be a most excellent place to do some parallel parking. Thanks, Fluffy and Zongo, for the live-action condensation of how babies get in there!!
So, I am sorry, Calcifer and Muta, but those furry dice hangin' on your chassis? Gotta go. No more marking Mama's side of the bed as yours. No more marking the Impossible Son as yours. No rubbing your... family jewels against parts of us that we immediately want to go find wet wipes for.
Fun times, I'm telling you!