How to Bathe a Cat...

First, buy a suit of armor...

Or wear heavy denim.

Make sure to take at least six shots of whiskey first, to dull the pain... oh wait... we haven't bathed the cat yet.

Okay... first fill sink with warm water. Have shampoo nearby, and have a partner nearby, also swathed in heavy denim, to catch the cat whenif it escapes.

Make sure partner isn't prone to fleeing and slamming door behind himthem.

Lovingly cradle cat to chest, stroking it gently, scratching it behind the ears while cooing reassureances into its ear. Don't let it see the sink full of water. Don't let it see the shampoo. Better yet, don't let it see the bathroom. Consider blindfolding cat. Give up idea when you realize you'd have to let it go to do that, and your partner won't come anywhere near you while holding annoyed cat.

Gently lower cat into warm water while keeping a firm hold on the scruff of cat's neck. This will keep them moderately still and allow you a modicum of control of cat while bathing. Hey! I SAID a MODICUM!!!

mod·i·cum (mŏd'ĭ-kəm) n. pl. mod·i·cums or mod·i·ca (-kə) A small, moderate, or token amount: "England still expects a modicum of eccentricity in its artists" (Ian Jack). [Middle English, from Latin, from neuter of modicus, moderate, from modus, measure; see med- in Indo-European roots.]

Okay, everybody got that?

SO, we're bathing the cat. Pour warm water gently over the squalling, struggling demon cat until coat is wet. Attempt to dribble shampoo over cat's body, but as the cat flails, end up actually squirting it in partner's eye. From four feet away.

Fight partner over spigot rights while also trying to keep cat from disembowling you with hind claws. Shove partner away from sink with a stern, "There IS a bathtub!" and resist urge to plunge cat's head under watersquirt shampoo in partner's other eye just for good measure.

Finally get shampoo on cat and start lathering, being sure to get all areas, including stomach, under the chin, neck, behind the ears and....

Suddenly realize you're going to have to let go of the cat long enough to shampoo the scruff of the neck.

Eye dripping partner speculatively.

Watch door slam as partner makes his escape. (He knows you far too well)

Let go of scruff and grab cat under chest to shampoo neck. Ignore water dripping into your shoes as cat flails and tries to scrabble up your arm to escape evil water.

Try to grab scruff again, only to confront the problem of... it's soapy, it's slippery, and... the cat is wise to you.

Look at tattered remains of denim shirt sleeves, and realize... you still have to rinse the cat OFF.

Look at furious cat, look at door, look at sink full of warm soapy water.

Look at shower speculatively.

Turn on shower, grab cat by slippery scruff, and hold cat under the shower.

Ignoring lacerations on arms, wrap cat in large beach towel and suffocate lovingly tell cat next time, I'll BURN the damn fleas offwhat a good kitty he/she is. Open door and hand struggling bundle to partner and call him a wuss ask him to dry the cat off, please.

Remove sodden, shredded remains of shirt. Eye shredded, bloody remains of arms. Decide next time cat needs a bath, LET THE DAMN VET DO IT!!!

*thunk*